Adoption of the Weirdest kind
by Molten-Ashes
Summary: It was a giraffe. A baby giraffe... and it was staring at him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(Crack. I mentioned in the Importance of Braking, that Prime was afraid of Giraffes thanks to a prank that Prowl pulled off once before. And in that single line a one-shot sprang at me... enjoy?)

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It was a giraffe.

A _**baby**_ giraffe.

It was staring at him.

Jazz was holding onto its neck like he had just found his favourite toy he hadn't seen in vorns because he never cleaned under the berth.

It had a blue tongue that wrapped around his wrist and made him drop his data-pad in revulsion at the mammal saliva now seeping into his wiring.

"Get it away from me Jazz!" he hollered back pedalling dragging the giraffe and its long freaky tongue with him.

"Nuh-uh Prowler!" Jazz cooed petting the creature on the small horns. "She's our new baby!"

"I thought Bluestreak was our baby" Prowl said sarcastically to his bondmate as the baby giraffe followed him around the room obviously keen to try some more of his plating and wiring. "Stay away from me you long necked demon!" he snapped at the awkward looking mammal.

Jazz was looking disapprovingly at him as he strode past on his fifth trip around his desk, the little female giraffe persistently following him "She'll take it as rejection Prowl! Give her a hug!"

"Where did you even get it!" the Tactician huffed tempted to take out his acid pellet gun as he made a sixth trip around his desk.

"Where did you get **HER,** Prowl, not it" Jazz corrected tapping his hip and whistling to the baby "Come here Patchy"

The critter trotted to his bondmate's side obediently and got a hug and a string of baby talk in return from an overjoyed Jazz.

"You called it Patchy?" Prowl asked feeling the ache of a crash begin to bloom within his processors

"It was either that or Delilah" Jazz said cradling the giraffe's small head in his servos. "She responded to Patchy better."

"Forget I asked" Prowl snapped rubbing his optics "And you never answered my first question. Where did you get her?"

"Africa" Jazz said happily somehow managing to pick up the baby and hold it so that it was technically lying on his arms, it's long spindly legs curled beneath it as it licked and probed Jazz's helm with its blue tongue.

"Jazz when Hound said to sample the wildlife, I don't think he meant to actually take an animal back…" Prowl said vaguely remembering Hounds recommendation when some bots had had to go stop Megatron in the savannah a few days ago. "How'd you get her back here anyway and into the ARK without Red Alert blowing a fuse?"

"She's my Sparkling!" Jazz cried outraged "I couldn't leave my sparkling in a foreign country by herself!"

Prowl belatedly realised that it had said in the report from the mission that Jazz had also taken a pretty nasty fall on the head, and in retrospect this day couldn't get any worse.

"Come on Jazz" he coaxed as he walked out of his office, his mate following him with Patchy curled up in his arms "Let's go see Ratchet…"

_**-Medbay-**_

Ratchet took one look at the scene and laughed. His second reaction was to immediately cower as Jazz went into over protective mother mode, giving the medic a rather spectacular dressing down about hurting his 'sparklings' feelings. The giraffe clearly wasn't worried about Ratchet's laughter as it was too busy eyeing Prowl who glared back defiantly.

"This" Prowl said gesturing to Jazz and his new 'baby' "is the result of his knock to the head. Please fix it and get Skyfire to drop, what was her name again Jazz?"

"Patchy" Jazz pouted as he set his baby on her legs after being asked to get on the repair berth.

"Yes… to drop Patchy back in Africa." Prowl said "Primus knows where her real mother is"

"Patchy?" the medic snickered earning a warning glare from Jazz

The baby Giraffe snorted and trotted over to Prowl "While I fix Jazz, you look after your new kid Prowl" Ratchet said as he knocked the saboteur out.

"What?" cried Prowl mortified as Patchy nuzzled his hip "I have to go to a conference meeting with Prime and some human ambassadors in ten minutes!"

"Well drop her off with her new big brother then" Wheeljack suggested from the repair berth next to Jazz, in for his usual daily explosion related repairs.

The SIC merely sighed and walked off down the corridor in a huff, Patchy following him like a puppy, her tail swishing happily.

_**-Rec-Room-**_

Bluestreak watched with a resigned air as his father walked into the rec-room, his face like thunder. "What did you do?" he sighed turning to the Twins that were sitting across from him openly gaping at the door

Sideswipe was silent and merely pointed at Prowl an indescribable look of glee on his face, the whole rec room going silent as they heard a soft snort from behind Prowl.

Obliging his friend he turned only for his mouth to drop open in shock, for behind Prowl was a baby giraffe. His father spotted him and walked over, the baby mammal prancing after him as some bots snickered.

"Bluestreak look after your carrier's new 'sparkling' while I deal with a meeting" his father ordered as he picked up the giraffe and plonked it next to him on the sofa. "And make sure it's alive when I come back please. Your carrier is quite fond of her, her name is Patchy. Good luck" With that his father turned on his heel and left the room leaving a mortified Bluestreak with his new 'sister' trying to sniff him on the couch.

As soon as Prowl was out the door, the room erupted in laughter, Patchy nuzzling Bluestreak who still sat staring after his black and white father.

"So care to introduce us Blue?" snickered Sideswipe as the long necked creature stood on the sofa to sniff at Bluestreak's chevron

"Not really" the sniper grumbled gently dissuading the female from nibbling his chevron by pushing against her chest "Where did Jazz even get her?"

"I'm guessing on that mission to Africa" Hound guessed still chuckling with mirth. "Put her on the floor Blue. She can't go far with all these mechs in the room"

"I guess this is my carrier's way to ask for another sparkling" the grey datsun grumbled setting his 'little sister' on the ground who let out a sneeze and then trotted about the room.

Suddenly Cliffjumper barged into the room scaring the little giraffe. To the surprise of Mirage who was petting her back, the mammal reared in fright and took off at a loping gallop. Bumblebee dived for Patchy just as she made it out of the door.

"Slag!" Bluestreak cursed running out after his new friend, he was still in denial that the baby giraffe was now family. "Which way did she go!" he screeched at a passing Trailbreaker, as most of the bots in the rec-room scrambled in all directions to search for the wayward Patchy.

"You mean the small brown patched animal that was heading for the conference rooms?" asked the mech in surprise "You mean that wasn't a hologram?"

"Frag, Frag, Frag" Bluestreak chanted as he took off with the Twins in tow towards the conference rooms. "Jazz is going to have my helm!"

_**-Conference Room 1-**_

Optimus Prime was having a very good day.

This was why he was prepared for it to go horribly wrong. Prowl had just finished his presentation and one of the humans had taken to the floor, or table as the case was.

Why Prowl suddenly looked panicked he had no clue, but he guessed it was something to do with the reason he shot from his seat like his aft was on fire, stammered something about forgetting a sheet of his notes and ran out the door. Ironhide and Red Alert looked a little alarmed at the SIC's behaviour as the door hissed shut again.

He reassured them that Prowl was probably worried about Jazz, who had been acting out as of late, ever since he had returned from Africa. The odd behaviour having been extremely prominent when he had become incredibly protective of Skyfire's back end on the way home, he presumed that Ratchet had found the problem and fixed it, obviously not if Prowl was acting out as well.

As the presentation continued Optimus felt something pass his leg. He stiffened and looked under the table, regardless of the odd looks he was receiving.

With a yelp and a thud, Optimus' head connected with the underside of the table, jolting the humans sitting upon it and unbalancing the one that was currently half way through his presentation and toppled off the side with a shriek, only to be caught by Ironhide lunging from his seat and face first onto the floor, the human dangling from his hand.

"What in Primus' name are you doing Prahm!" the older bot snapped just as something jumped onto his back and over his other side.

The large Autobot leader withdrew his head from under the table rubbing the sore spot that was marked with a dent "Something kicked me! What are you doing on the floor?"

"Catching the human" Ironhide grumbled as he tossed the human back on the table, "what the slag ran over me?"

"That" snickered Red Alert pointing to a cute looking baby giraffe that was now standing in the corner chewing on a bush that Hound had insisted on in the Conference room.

"What in Primus' name is that?" cried Ironhide aiming his cannon at the innocent little creature.

"Woah! Don't shoot!" cried Bluestreak stumbling in the door, tripping over thin air and landing on his front, the Twins Sunstreaker and Sideswipe not able to stop, sailed straight into the table after tripping over Bluestreak's downed frame "That's Patchy!"

"My baby!" cried a voice that made everyone freeze. Jazz rushed into the room and picked up the baby giraffe and hugged it gently. "Have you been a good girl?" the Head of Special Operations asked Patchy, nuzzling her face with his own, her tongue flicking out to lick her adoptive parent "Of course you have!" the saboteur squealed ignoring his elder creation flat on the floor and his leader rubbing the back of his helm.

Prowl stood in the doorway looking resigned.

"Prowl?" Optimus asked shocked as the doorwinged mech merely sighed

"He banged his head and his Parental instinct programme kicked in on the first young life-form he spotted, which happened to be Patchy who had been abandoned. I'm assuming." Prowl explained with a sigh

Ratchet peered in the door as Prowl walked into the conference room and in front of all present snickered "Congratulations on the new member of the family then"

The last thing that Prime thought before he crashed was 'I' going to wake up soon'

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A/N: I hope you liked it! This might turn into a Two-shot if I figure out what to do with Patchy... -_-


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(You all asked... I caved and wrote another chapter...shorter but hopefully still funny. More Crack including Patchy, Prowl, Jazz and the ARK crew XD And thanks to everyone who reviewed and faved :D)

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Feeding Patchy had become a kind of novelty on the ARK. Everybot clambered to have a go at feeding the giraffe. Ratchet was still thanking Primus that Sparkling Energon was the same colour as the cow extract that Carly had said the baby needed to drink. His only question now was how to turn the solid food neon pink so Jazz didn't freak out over his 'sparkling's' eating habits when she grew older.

The little madam had a way of demanding her food too. The small giraffe would trot up to someone and kick them in the ankle joint, normally downing them in surprise before giving a soft snort and paw at the floor. The only exception to this demand for food was Jazz who would get a nuzzle on the leg and the saboteur would gladly go and fetch her some food, cradling and cooing at her. Poor Prowl, Bluestreak and Smokescreen had landed on their wings at least twice thanks to the shock of someone suddenly giving a good kick to their ankle joint. The only good thing that had come out of the method was that the squeakiness in Wheeljack's ankle had virtually disappeared thanks to a solid kick. Ratchet was still annoyed that he hadn't figured it out that all his friend needed was a kick to rectify the problem, Wheeljack wouldn't let him try it.

The most humorous incident had been when Patchy had demanded feeding from Optimus himself. He had been talking to Elita on the far range comms on the command deck when Patchy had trotted in, blindsided him and sent him cascading onto the floor with a good kick to a recently repaired ankle joint. Elita still said it was the funniest fall she had ever seen Optimus take. The large Autobot leader wind milling his arms wildly as he keeled over backwards and a small giraffe that he had failed to mention to Elita pawing the floor beside his head. The femme was still laughing hysterically when her Bondmate moodily shut off the comm. and went off to feed the pleased little yellow and brown creature happily trotting after him, leaving a group of mechs snickering on the Command deck sneakily taking image captures.

_**-Prowl and Jazz's Quarters-**_

"Jazz, I've told you a thousand times!" snapped Prowl "Get her off the berth and into one of her own!"

The TIC scowled at his mate from the other side of their shared recharge berth, the small giraffe curled up at the head, curiously watching them. "She's our sparkling Prowl, we done this with Bluestreak!"

"Bluestreak wasn't liable to wake me up by chewing on my nose at two in the fragging morning!" Prowl replied "Giraffe stays off the bed!"

"Patchy stays on the bed!" Jazz argued back before suddenly getting distracted by the female critter's coat "aww she needs a good polish"

"No she… wha?" Prowl stumbled over the conversation change as Jazz walked over to the personal washrack and came back with a brush and what appeared to be a transformer sized spray bottle.

Prowl immediately shot in front of Patchy "Woah! Jazz! What is that?"

"Something Ratchet gave me to wash her with" Jazz replied confused showing the bottle to his bondmate. "Apparently it gets dirt and stuff out really well."

"Jazz it's water" the Praxian mech replied sloshing the liquid inside

"No it's some special polish Ratchet whisked up for sparklings" the TIC replied happily stealing back the bottle and attending to the now excited Patchy. "Who wants a wash? Yes you!" Jazz cooed as he misted the spray over the giraffe's back and beginning to brush.

"I really hope we didn't act like that when Bluestreak was a Sparkling" Prowl muttered slumping into a chair and reading a data-pad shooting up in his chair as he realised one important detail. "Jazz! Don't wash her on the berth!"

_**-A few days Later-**_

Patchy had now been graced with a collar, Jazz having demanded one when Optimus insisted that she be either tied up or taken around on something akin to a leash. Wheeljack, in a fit of genius, designed one that would grow as Patchy did with a special tag engraved with Cybertronian glyphs that made the doors of the ARK announce her presence. It saved Ratchet the time and effort in repairing ankle joints if bots were aware that Jazz's 'baby' was around and was wanting to get fed.

Incidentally it also was the cause for his latest not so ingenuous project which Jazz inevitably found out about and nearly hit the roof.

"What on Earth do you think my baby will be doing?" Jazz screeched in a tizzy as Prowl and Ratchet played referee in the confines of Wheeljacks lab. Patchy tottering around encased in some, what could only be described as battle armour, complete with a rather fetching helmet.

"I don't know Jazz!" Wheeljack said twiddling his fingers nervously "Luck favours to prepare"

"You aren't exactly striking a good bargain 'Jack" Ratchet said with a snicker as Patchy ran around at their pedes clearly quite happy with her new additions.

As Jazz was going to throttle their engineer the alarms went off. Red Alert's voice shouting through the speakers "Decepticon attack!"

"See?" Wheeljack said nervously as Prowl and Jazz took off towards the entrance to the ARK, but not after extracting a promise from Ratchet to look after Patchy.

"Okay 'Jack" Ratchet sighed rubbing his optics as the doors to the lab shut "But don't make anything else for her until Jazz approves it, or Prowl for that matter. I think HIS parental Programming is also starting to come online; I caught him happily sitting with her in his lap the other day in the rec room. Now you look after the bundle of joy while I prep the medbay"

"Speaking of which where did Patchy go?" asked Wheeljack curiously looking under his lab table

"Patchy has left the room" the door panel finally beeped making the two older bot stare at each other in horror

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A/N: I've written some more ideas down to include in this... odd story so watch out for the next chapter. Anyway I hope you all enjoyed it!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers!

Please R&R

(Crack. Patchy, Soundwave, Ravage, Jazz, Prowl and the ARK crew :D thanks to everybody who reviewed!)

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_**-The ARK-**_

It was supposed to have been a simple mission. Get in, destroy Teletran 1 and get out to help on the battlefield again.

Soundwave crept through the ARK's halls avoiding the cameras as they swivelled to and fro slowly, the Security Officer being extra vigilant just in case a Decepticon decided to do what Soundwave was doing right that second, a fail on the paranoid Red Alert's part.

He slunk into the shadow of a doorway peeking around the corridors edge waiting for the Camera to rotate away from him. He slipped into the Command room unseen, ejecting Ravage to stand guard as he got to work.

**_-Patchy P.O.V-_**

Patchy trotted down the corridor, her battle armour clanking a little as she searched the empty ARK. _Where was Mummy? And Daddy? Or Big Brother even? She wanted Fed!_ She let out a soft bleat as she searched the rec-room, walking under the table and around the chairs just in case Mummy was playing a game with her.

With a soft snort she went back to exploring the corridors. She gave another soft bleat as she neared the command deck she heard the sounds of a large bot. Excited she pranced over to the door and leaned her long neck around the corner. A metal cat prowled to and fro across the room as a blue big creature faced away from her.

She stamped a hoof and trotted into the room, the door beeping as it announced that she had entered the room. The big blue bot jumped and turned to look at her as did the metal cat.

"Ravage: Deactivate" came the monotone voice which had her ears laying flat on her head. She immediately didn't like him, pawing at the floor as she gave a louder distressed mooing sound and backed up. The cat stalked forward, red eyes glittering, clawed paws clicking upon the metal floor.

As she turned tail the cat sprung. She kicked out her legs in terror, a strange crackling sound coming from her back legs as her hooves connected with the metal creature's face.

She turned the corner pausing when she heard a pained yowl and the tell tale loud clang of the metal person hitting the floor. She looked down at her back legs, the armour that encased them crackling with electricity. Curious she crept back to look in the door.

_**-Command Deck (End of Patchy's P.O.V)-**_

Soundwave lay on the floor groaning with Ravage draped on top of him. The legs of the long necked creature had smashed the shoulder plating of both Ravages' shoulders with some sort of electric charged kick. It had short circuited the poor cassetteticon and sent him flying straight into Soundwave's face. Claws raking across his mask at the cat went down, taking Soundwave with him.

He managed to fold Ravage back into his chest compartment watching wearily as the long necked weapon peered into the room again, and seeing that Ravage was gone stepped more confidently into the Command Deck and pawed the ground, its ears folded back against its head. It let out a deceptively innocent sounding bleat. He shuddered and delinked himself from Teletran 1 and held up his hands in surrender all the while trying to gain access to its processors to read them of the new weapons next move. To his dismay and growing horror he couldn't read its mind. And he backed away as it came closer.

It reached his pedes and before he could make his escape the thing gave him a charged kick straight in the ankle joint, snapping it and sending him tumbling to the floor in pain.

_**-Corridor's of the ARK after the battle-**_

Prowl sensed something was wrong, even Jazz seemed on edge as they returned, both worse for wear but satisfied that they had kicked Decepticon aft. He immediately flared his doorwings taking off at a run as he sensed Patchy nearby in the Command Room; He overtook Optimus at the head of the troops, Jazz right behind him feeling his mate's sudden anxiety through the bond. They barged into the Command deck weapons drawn only to stop in surprise at the sight before them.

Patchy lay atop Soundwave who was sprawled on the floor groaning, his ankle joint hanging by the vital energon lines, snapped cleanly in two. Jazz rushed forward as Patchy reared giving a soft bleat of joy to her mother as she was scooped up into familiar arms.

"Who's a good baby?" Jazz cooed at her as Prowl stalked forward and aimed his gun at Soundwave's helm

"Who are you to threaten my Sparkling?" he rumbled his wings flaring into a sharp 'V'

"Told you his Parental Programming would kick in eventually" said Ironhide as he peered into the room with the rest of the troops. "Pay up Smokey"

"Damn it" the diversion Tactician grumbled transferring the credits into Ironhide's betting account. "Uhh, you might want to get Soundwave away from Prowl before he pulls a Sunstreaker Berserker Special, Optimus"

"Noted" Optimus said coming forward and picking up the TIC of the Decepticons as Prowl went over to Jazz and Patchy helping the Saboteur to check over the baby Giraffe that nuzzled him in return.

To the Prime's surprise Soundwave latched onto him like a limpet "Request: Not Put Anywhere Near Super Weapon"

"Soundwave we don't have a super weapon." Ironhide said as he sent the rest of the crew on their way to Ratchet's Medbay to suffer his _tender_ mercies.

"Negative: Long Necked Cybertronian" the masked Decpeticon said as he was taken to the brig.

"Hate to burst your bubble Soundwave" said Ironhide obviously trying not to laugh "But that is a baby Giraffe Jazz adopted"

"Does. Not. Compute." Soundwave seemingly snapped before his processor crashed.

"Do you think I should have told him that Wheeljack built Patchy the armour?" Ironhide asked with mock concern as they put the Decepticon TIC in a cell until Ratchet could come and repair him.

"I think I'm more worried about when Jazz finds out that Wheeljack included a weapon in that stylish armour that she sports." Optimus replied on his way to the Command Deck to negotiate with Megatron for the return of his TIC.

_**-Next Day-**_

Sunstreaker walked into the quarters he shared with his twin finding his red counterpart drawing something on a blank data-pad "I want no part in it" he said as his twin looked up and opened his mouth. "Prowl has gone all protective daddy and if you even step out of line Sides, he's going to come down on you like fifteen tons of bricks. Plus your plans always end up scratching my paint"

"All the more reason for this prank to be worthwhile then" Sideswipe said sneakily going back to his diabolical plan with a mockingly evil laugh

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A/N: hope you all liked this chapter! :) I wonder what Sides is up to eh? :D


	4. Chapter 4

Diclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(Sideswipe is going to regret doing this... Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you are all enjoying this story!)

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Jazz had removed Patchy's battle armour. He had discovered the Charged Kick weapon a few hours after Soundwave had been given back to the Decepticons, still a monotone wreck after Jazz had interrogated him with Patchy trotting around the room. The TIC of the Decepticon's still convinced the innocent little creature was a new, highly advanced super weapon, under the guise as the Autobot SIC and TIC's newest sparkling.

Paranoia at its finest, Prowl was later heard to be sighing as he fed Patchy in the rec room. Red Alert was still selling copies of the Security footage of the interrogation session at quite a nice price back to the Femmes on Cybertron.

Patchy had later thrown a bit of panic attack as Blaster introduced Ramhorn and Steeljaw to her, figuring it would remind her of her old home before Jazz effectively adopted and imprinted on her. She got on with Ramhorn just fine. It was the lion shaped Steeljaw that sent her into a wild frenzy in the Communications room. She had turned to kick Steeljaw, just missing the lucky cassette and slamming her Charged Kick into the wall. The wall had a sizeable hole in it looking on into the rec room, the off duty mini-bots peeking over the rec-room couch in shock as the room was showered in splinters of metal wall. Blaster later admitted that introducing Steeljaw had been a tad irresponsible on his part.

Jazz had taken off Patchy's armour and stored it in a cupboard until the next time he was either feeling a bit spiteful or when he, Prowl and Bluestreak had to leave the little giraffe on her own. Ratchet was severely disappointed that Jazz hadn't tried to murder Wheeljack for building a weapon into the little female's armour and he bitterly lost a few hundred credits in the betting pool to a rather pleased Red Alert, who was later disqualified from the betting as he had overheard Jazz talking to Prowl about the advantages the armour could pose on the Security cameras. Ratchet was rather pleased to get back his lost betting credits.

_**-The Next Day-**_

It had started with Patchy going missing.

Panic swept over the ARK as Prowl literally lived up to his name and stalked the halls and random rooms in search of his wayward 'sparkling' sometimes even sneaking into mech's rooms as they recharged after a long shift and scaring the living daylights out of the mech he would accidently wake up when searching the room. Jazz put his Saboteur interrogation skills to good use and terrorised the mini-bots and even badgered Red Alert, making the poor Security Director fritz twice in one day.

Most bots cowered and put their heads down as the SIC and TIC scoured the crashed ship for their adopted 'daughter'. Even Bluestreak was wound up, snapping at anyone who approached within two feet of him.

Then when she eventually did turn up five hours later she was a florescent blue with neon yellow patches, and the crew breathed a figurative sigh of relief as Prowl stopped 'prowling' and Jazz stopped making bots fritz. On seeing his beloved Patchy, Jazz naturally hit and possibly went through the roof in hysterics, immediately taking his distressed 'baby' to give her a wash. Prowl concentrated on revenge, and the ARK soon discovered that Prowl made an even better Evil Overlord than Megatron.

Suddenly entertainment went missing, and everybot's workload doubled. Any complaint to Optimus was made invalid as Prowl hovered over them, prodding and questioning them and daring them to object to the upset 'fathers' new rules. The Autobot leader considered intervening and then going to hide under his desk and eventually did hide under his nice, safe, metallic desk when Prowl interrogated even his leader. It would continue until somebody owned up to 'decorating' his sparkling.

_**- Two Days Later-**_

"This is your entire fault Sideswipe!" hissed Sunstreaker as they filed Prowl's data-pads in alphabetical order, while in the categories of urgency in the SIC's office while he was on his break.

"Hey, I didn't think he'd go Slave Lord on us. Did you hear what he done to Optimus? Last I heard he was still rocking backwards and forwards under his desk with his helm in his hands and counting backwards from a trillion. Last Ironhide saw of him he reached 2000 and missed a number so he punished himself by restarting the whole thing again. Per Prowl's scary influential presence in the room putting away the last of his work for the day. Patchy was following him, looking as pleased as punch with herself now that she's got all that paint off of her." Sideswipe gossiped, though it was clear that he was still a little odd after his interrogation session with Prowl a few days previous; lying to a protective and vindictive daddy with an acid pellet gun sitting in his lap as you were questioned was bound to put anybody in a fit of jittery nerves.

Sunstreaker sighed "Where did you get that animal friendly paint anyway?"

"It's amazing what you can paint show horses with these days" Sideswipe said "It's a new brand and I thought Jazz would appreciate Patchy's change of coat. I had a really hard time getting the paint too"

**_-Sideswipes Flash back—_**

"Yeah I'd like to order some of that animal friendly show paint?" the red twin asked down his comm. link

"I'm sorry Mr. Sideswipe" the lady said crisply "It says here that you are banned from our supply list by the Autobot faction, we got a document from the SIC, Mr. Prowl I believe it was, stating under no circumstances other than the end of the world were you to ever get paint from us, animal friendly or not ever again."

"Aww, come on lady!" Sideswipe said raking his processors for an excuse "We are throwing a Welcome to the family party for 'Mr. Prowl's' new sparkling!"

"I beg your pardon? Sparkling?" the woman said "You mean a baby robot?"

"Yeah, something like that" Sideswipe said crossing his fingers, _Please be gullible, Please be gullible__**.**_

"Well that changes things" said the woman brightly clearly excited for them "What colours do you want?"

_Sucker_ Sideswipe cackled to himself as he placed his order.

_**-End of Flashback-**_

"Obviously Patchy didn't appreciate the new paintjob either" Sunstreaker muttered as he filed another report in its proper section. "Why can't the Decepticons hurry up and attack already? I think I heard Blaster begging Skywarp over the comms yesterday to come and at least shoot a few rounds at a patrol or something."

"Yeah, didn't Skywarp have a processor crash and then Megatron came on and demanded that we handed over the Super Weapon we apparently have?" Sideswipe asked stacking his pile of reports on Prowl's desk

"As far as I'm concerned they can have her" Sunstreaker replied as a small giraffe trotted past the office, following a humming Jazz "I told you not to do anything to the giraffe, and what do you do? You and go mess with the giraffe."

"I've got another prank to do as well" whined Sideswipe to himself as Sunstreaker ranted to him. "If only I could remember where I put those slow fuse burn Flashbombs"

"No!" Sunstreaker snarled smacking his twin over the head "Leave them be! You've already got us in enough trouble without doing anything worse!"

"That's the thing" Sideswipe said twiddling his thumbs nervously "I set it up a few hours ago and set them on the slow burn fuses. So they should be going off in…"

A bang followed by several shrieks of pain.

"Now…" Sideswipe finished with a wince as his gold twin stared at him in horror. Their piles of carefully arranged data-pads went cascading to the floor as Sunstreaker lunged at his Twin.

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed the chapter and found it funny :)


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(Crack. Patchy, Prowl, Jazz, and the ARK Crew. Since I couldn't decide which type of giraffe Patchy should be I finally picked one at random with my eyes closed (a dangerous thing to do on a computer) and the Rothschild giraffe page popped up. So Patchy is a Rothschild giraffe XD )

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Sideswipe got caught. It was inevitable really as one of the Flashbombs that malfunctioned and had rolled away from the pile under the rec-room's main table had a picture of his grinning face painted on the front, with his name and number written on it. The next giveaway had been the amount of news reporters showing up demanding that they wanted to see this new 'baby robot' that they had been told about by a paint company that the Autobot Sideswipe had bought paint from. He was sentenced to serve long range patrols until the day he deactivated, after he was found in a storage cupboard built into a medical berth. Jazz, the master of all things bendy and flexible, was still wondering how he managed to fit in there. Sideswipe claimed it was after Prowl's speech to the angry victims of his flashbomb prank "I want him brought to me preferably alive, but I'm feeling flexible, so enjoy yourselves" after that particular sentence he _made_ himself fit. The ARK soon returned to normal, with Optimus suddenly getting cured from his backwards counting after a brief pep talk with Ironhide.

Prowl was definitely feeling vindictive when an animal rights activist tried to lure Patchy out of the ARK and into a trailer, when the public realised that the new 'Sparkling' was merely an illegally hijacked giraffe from Africa. It made the front page of every newspaper all the same.

The Animal Rights Activist had gotten several acid pellets shot at him and was nearly stepped on when Jazz picked up his 'baby' and accused him of working for the Decepticon's to capture his 'sparkling'. Optimus had to practically beg his two highest ranking officers not to carry out some very painful threats that involved rusty shears snipping below the activist's belt and a branding iron to seal the wound afterwards.

Another was hung from a pole Jazz had put up over a vat of Wheeljack's finest acid that was usually reserved for making the acid pellets that fit into Prowl's rifle. As far as anyone knew the poor woman was still there. No one wanted to ask a very malicious Jazz as he kept an eagle eye on an explorative Patchy who naturally stayed a bit closer, picking up the odd vibes her 'parents' were exhibiting. Bluestreak caught two activists laying a trap for Patchy and the two were promptly confronted by a sniper rifle and the suggestion to run as the mostly grey mech said he needed the target practice.

The media was having a field day over it. Red Alert lodged several complaints on what it was costing them to replace his beloved cameras that were getting destroyed by the Activists.

Optimus asserted his influence to call a meeting with the Animal Rights activists to explain the volatile nature of his Tactician and his Head of Special Operations towards the safety of the young giraffe they had imprinted on. He explained that they thought that the young female giraffe was actually their own offspring like Bluestreak was.

Afterwards the activists pointed out that they couldn't baby the animal forever and were adamant that they were in the right about wanting to return the giraffe from where she came. Optimus and Ironhide had to stop Prowl from shooting the spokesperson with his acid pellets.

Jazz wasn't happy either that Optimus allowed animal specialists to look Patchy over to ascertain her general health. He hovered in his baby's line of sight just so she wouldn't be frightened. She eventually did bleat distressfully for her mother and Jazz immediately scattered the humans with a low growl from his vocaliser as the little giraffe took shelter behind his legs after breaking free from the corner they managed to herd her into.

And in the aftermath Jazz put Patchy's armour back on during the day, the light metal suit with its powerful Charged Kick weapon making the Saboteur feel more secure about leaving his baby unattended for more than two minutes just in case the Activists came back.

**_-ARK Conference Room 1—_**

"I respectfully request that you consider separating them" said the spokesperson for the activists "The Giraffe…"

"Patchy" Optimus automatically corrected having been given into trouble numerous times by most of the ARK who had come to regard Patchy as the resident Sparkling, regardless of her species.

"Whatever." The Spokesperson sniffed, taking off his thick glasses to give them a polish and then perched them on his beak like nose again." The poor animal needs her own species and we can't well just take her"

"Yeah" Ironhide snorted with amusement "not for lack of trying, the last four times you tried to take her, you were confronted by the proud mummy and daddy of the little sprite. He's a tip, never frag off a Cybertronian Parent or the other family members; it'll just end painfully for the person who aggravates them."

"I am well aware of what happens; Miss Matilda Pennyworth is still in the mental hospital after the _Mummy_ hung her over a vat of alien acid and left her to hang there for two days" snapped the beady eyed man holding his official looking clipboard "Where does the gir… I mean _Patchy_ stay in the meantime?"

"In Prowl and Jazz's Quarters" Optimus said "Access denied" he immediately said afterwards before the weedy man could speak "There are things you _really_ don't want to know about Cybertronian private life. Plus they are both off duty at the moment and Patchy is currently being babysat by Bluestreak. That Is a warning all by itself"

"I'm just glad all our quarters are now soundproofed" Grumbled Ratchet folding his arms

"Alright where do you get Patchy's food" questioned the spokesperson after a nervous pause

"One of our human friends has a friend who gets us some of that cow extracts fresh from the cow" said Perceptor "It really is fascinating how they do it too"

"You mean Milk, Perce" snickered Ironhide "The only reason Prowl and Jazz accept Patchy drinking it is because our Sparkling energon is the same colour."

"Alright" sniffed the spokesperson "I will be back soon to discuss some policies of keeping a large exotic animal. If the state decides to grant you a permit, your SIC and TIC can coddle that Giraffe as much as they want. If not…"

"They will anyway" muttered Ironhide to Ratchet who gave a snort of laughter at the human's expense.

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A/N: Will be wrapping this little story up in the next few chapters :) Hope you enjoyed this chapter and watch out for the next one! A big thank you to everybody who has reviewed and faved!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(Crack. Patchy. Jazz, Prowl, the ARK crew and mentions of the Decepticons. Hope you all enjoy :D )

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Patchy was growing big. Jazz realised it as soon as the small Giraffe could now stretch to poke at his stomach plating whenever she wanted her new neon pink solid food to eat. An invention courteous of Wheeljack who was currently sighing with relief in the Medbay with Ratchet, that they figured out a solution to turn the green branches pink so that they didn't have to explain to two worried 'parents' why their daughter had to eat green energon to stay alive. Red Alert was still whining about the cost that it had been to actually import a Thorn Acacia Tree to study and replicate it. Perceptor excelled in his experimentations and now thanks to an accident, Deck Seven of the ARK had turned into a miniature forest of rapidly growing energon pink Acacia trees that were still somehow expanding, much to Cliffjumper's distress after having found a tree growing through his wall one day. Patchy had been snuck the branches as an extra treat.

Hound had gleefully set up a giant water bottle at Patchy's head height in the rec-room so that she didn't have to awkwardly splay her front legs to get at a large dog bowl shaped water bowl that Wheeljack had devised. Almost all of the ARK crew went through a giraffe phase and most watched the documentaries on the television which Hound proudly showed from his collection.

Sunstreaker and Bumblebee were the subjects of a prank organised by Sideswipe and Tracks and egged on by nearly all of the crew. Sunstreaker's shrieks of horror over his now brown patched paint job were heard even in the Conference rooms, two floors above the quarters where Prowl was doing a presentation to the command staff, Patchy nibbling on a seated Optimus' antennas.

Bumblebee took it in his stride and in a hilarious outcome even made Soundwave crash when the alarms had gone off and he hadn't had time to wash off the new patches over his yellow paint. Megatron had stared at his downed TIC with a look similar to bewilderment before grumpily ordering a retreat, declaring the battle a farce as his TIC's immature cassetticons and the seeker trine laughed and guffawed too much to do anything useful other than point and laugh at a mortified Bumblebee who was asking Jazz just what he had done to the blue tape-deck to garner that type of reaction from just getting one look at his new paint job.

Patchy still followed Jazz, much to the Saboteurs pride and delight, who was often seen baby-talking to the young giraffe, cradling her head in his large servos like it was some precious jewel or treasure. Prowl was also seen to merely sit with the snoozing Patchy in the rec-room, her head leaning on his shoulder while her body was curled up in his lap as he read a data-pad on his break, his other hand stroking her back.

Bluestreak and some of the younger bots would be spotted playing a Transformer sized game of 'football' where Patchy would kick the hollow metal ball with her enhanced battle armoured legs and the others would revolve the game around the young giraffe, either teasingly keeping it away from her or merely play a game of fetch.

Luckily the state had given them a permit to keep her only for the Ugandan Government to intervene, who had gotten wind that one of their animals had been taken from a protected reserve; thanks to an international news report on the resident 'Aliens' that had adopted a young giraffe, the description of the creature exactly matching a calf that had gone missing off the radar nearly two months ago from the Murchison Falls National Park where the Decepticons and the Autobot's had had a little skirmish.

**-A Meeting-**

"That is a rare giraffe belonging to the state of Uganda!" snapped the foreign ambassador across the table at the Autobot Officers that had been summoned to meet them

"You want her, you have to get through me" Snarled Prowl his fingers obviously itching to reach for his pellet rifle so that he could enjoy the rest of his day with his mate and family. "I have no objections to stepping on you if it means you leave us alone"

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that" Optimus quickly as the man looked outraged at Prowl's declaration "Patchy has been integrated into the goings on of the ARK for too long for us to simply hand her over. Plus you have only recently taken an interest after we admitted to our Head of Special Ops imprinting on her."

"We had to rule out all the usual disappearance theories. Abducted by Alien Robots is a new one I must admit." Replied the man, his brown eyes narrowing at Jazz who glared back under his visor, the azure band flaring brighter in his own outrage.

"Patchy is our Sparkling" Jazz said reproachfully from beside Prowl "She's ours we raised her"

"And we still are" Prowl said his doorwings held high above him, both black and white panels flared to make himself look bigger and more of a threat. "You can't take her"

With that the SIC and TIC of the Autobot's stormed out of the room, leaving Optimus sighing after them.

"Listen I know Patchy is an Endangered Sub-species of giraffe but you can't just separate her from Prowl and Jazz." Ratchet said slowly "A Cybertronian parent's basic programming is to slag now and leave the offender to rust whenever their sparkling is in danger. Patchy, on becoming Jazz's adoptive sparkling is now in the 'protect at all costs' margin along with his mate, Prowl and their son Bluestreak. You my human friend are toeing the fine line between annoyance and full throttle vengeance."

"What if we just drop Jazz on his head again?" suggested Wheeljack trying to make a humorous suggestion "Then the programming will shut down right?"

"It is a fifty-fifty thing" Ratchet said "On one hand it could render Jazz absolutely doo-lally…"

"I thought he was that anyway" Ironhide muttered earning a wrench to his head "Ouch!"

"Or it could erase his last few months and Mr. Pompus over there could take Patchy back to whatever bit of Africa we got her out of." Ratchet finished as he caught his wrench in mid-air as Ironhide aimed it back at his helm.

Optimus hummed softly "But what of Prowl? And the rest of the ARK crew for that matter? They can't just forget a giraffe that has been wandering around for two months"

"Now that is true. I've grown rather fond of her myself" Ratchet said ignoring the human speaker as he attempted to get a word in. "She at least doesn't visit me often"

"Ratchet. She only visits you to get her armour re-fitted" Wheeljack snorted, his helm fins lighting up a mirthful yellow as the medic narrowed his optics at him

"Precisely why I like her" the medic said "Anyway since she turned up I've only had to put you back together four times. Jazz won't let you play with explosives around her battle armour and the other things you made for her aren't likely to explode unless you used that human explosive plastic. My timetable that normally has 'Wheeljack fixing time' written all over it is now a practically a clean slate. So my vote is that she stays"

Wheeljack flashed an insult at the medic as Optimus chuckled at the human ambassador "Sorry, Patchy stays"

The human spluttered as he was shown out of the ARK by a cheerful Ironhide "this isn't the last of this!"

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A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this Chapter! Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed and faved this story!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer:I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(Crack. Patchy. Jazz, Prowl and the ARK crew. Enjoy!)

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Wheeljack was inventing again.

Ratchet was annoyed as the technology he was working with made him explode at least twice, making him fill up his new clean schedule with the old 'Fix Wheljack' stickers again.

Jazz was curious as Wheeljack said this new piece of tech would be for Patchy.

Bluestreak and Prowl were fretting like Red Alert on the fritz.

Patchy was still a mummy's girl.

"I really don't think this is a good idea Jazz" Prowl said as they sat together in the rec-room, Patchy curled up on Prowl's lap, her head resting on Jazz's shoulder as she snoozed, her ears flicking every so often with the tones of the conversation. "You know the end results of most of Wheeljack's experiments"

"Aww come on Prowler" Jazz grinned sipping an energon cube as he watched the news on the rec-room's large TV. "Patchy will be fine. She took on Soundwave and she didn't have a scratch on her afterwards. Made him crash too"

"That is besides the point" Prowl huffed looking up from his data-pad, his fingers stopping the soothing motions on Patchy's back making the giraffe snort in her sleep in irritation. "I'm only looking out for her safety"

Jazz gave his bondmate a small smile, rubbing Patchy on the head fondly making the young mammal nuzzle his shoulder in her sleep "Don't worry Prowl; you'll get first dibs if she even gets a scratch alright?"

The tactician grumbled as he went back to his data-pad, Bluestreak sitting down on his other side, the Twins following behind him. "Hey dad can I borrow Patchy?"

Jazz's visor flashed in amusement "As long as you don't paint her again, sure. Prowl wake her up would you?"

"I'm doing work Jazz" the black and white tactician said in annoyance as he scanned the pad religiously

"But she doesn't like it when I wake her up" Jazz pouted crossing his arms, making sure not to jolt his 'sparkling'.

"You don't do it right" the Parxian framed mech said his fingers beginning their absent minded motions on Patchy's back again. "Watch"

The tactician rubbed his 'youngling's' spine twice and then gently reached up to rub gently at her horns. Soon enough the 'baby's' eyes flickered open and her long blue tongue shot out giving Jazz a lick before looking over shoulder at her 'daddy'.

"Off you go" he said putting aside his data-pad and picking up the yellow and brown creature, placing her gently on her long spindly legs "Play nice" he said gently tapping her head once.

Patchy offered him a soft bleat and trotted off with Bluestreak and the Twins running after her calling "Patchy! We're not going that way!"

"See? She's such a daddy's girl" Jazz said with a smirk at Prowl who had gone back to his work.

"She always goes to you first if she wants fed or is upset" Prowl replied gathering his completed pads "Clearly a mummy's girl" he teased as he went to drop off the pads in Optimus' office.

"Hey!" Cried Jazz after his bondmate "I resent being referred to as a femme!"

"He acted like one when he had Bluestreak" muttered Ironhide to Inferno in the Communications room, making the fire-engine laugh loudly. Jazz threw them a glare from behind his visor, openly scowling at them from over the sofa, and through the Patchy-made hole in the wall.

**_-Wheeljack's Lab-_**

"Are you sure they gave you permission to bring her here?" asked Wheeljack from his experiment desk to Bluestreak and the Twins, the 'older brother' to the little giraffe cradling the curious Patchy in his arms.

"Yep, Prowl even told her to play nice" Sunstreaker said smiling innocently

"Well if you're sure" the engineer muttered nervously indicating the collar that Patchy wore.

Sideswipe gleefully took the blue and silver collar and tossed it onto the desk. "So what are you going to do with it?

The engineer's colour indicators flashed a bright blue as he attached another tag. Unlike the crystal, engraved with Patchy's name in Cybertronian, this one was a simple disk of silver metal with a speaker shaped front.

"What's that for?" asked Bluestreak as Sunstreaker fastened it back onto the giraffe that was straining her neck towards some of the glittering and shiny objects piled by the door.

"You'll see" Wheeljack said his indicators flashing a happy, cheery yellow.

_**-Conference Room 2-**_

Jazz was bored in the Security meeting. His blank data-pad for notes was covered in doodles of various things. His favourite one so far was the Decepticon seekers dancing around a maypole with Starscream perched on the top doing a pirouette. His second favourite was one of Patchy kicking Megatron's head off with Optimus holding it afterwards Shakespearian style reciting some monologue.

Prowl was also feeling the effects of his boredom through the bond. The Tactician had resorted to supporting his helm up with his hand, his optics dimming every so often only to snap back online every time he got a nudge from Optimus who was also desperately trying to keep himself awake as Red Alert went on about the newest security breaches.

Ratchet was already asleep; his helm had thudded down onto his crossed arms nearly ten minutes ago. Ironhide was fiddling with his cannons, though both had been deactivated by Ratchet for meetings after he had accidently shot at Optimus when the leader had been giving his input on the suggestions that they had all had concerning the energon shortages, The bored Ironhide having accidently charged his cannons and allowed them to fire, destroying the screen behind the faction leader as the large bot hit the floor to prevent his head getting blown off.

Wheeljack stumbled in the door startling everyone as he spewed apologies and generally made a ruckus. He slumped into his chair beside a groggy Ratchet with a sigh as Red Alert glared at him for interrupting.

"Any more interruptions?" the security director snapped as the rest of the command staff as they muttered apologies and coughed guiltily.

"Patchy has entered the room" the door beeped reeling open with a soft hiss and allowing the giraffe to trot in and immediately go over to Jazz who welcomed her by swivelling on his chair to face her.

The saboteur grinned at his 'sparkling' as she put her head on his lap "Hey darlin' you have fun?"

The baby giraffe gave a soft snort and rubbed her head against Jazz's stomach plating "Yes mummy, I did" came the soft babyish tone from the giraffe.

The room froze and turned to stare at the giraffe as Jazz cupped his baby's face in his servos "Patchy did you just speak?" he asked as Red Alert's horns started to glow blue and crackle as he stood at the head of the table, a sure sign that he was away to fritz, Prowl didn't look any better either.

"Mama!" the giraffe cooed her tongue flicking out to curl around Jazz's finger.

"The… The… giraffe… SPOKE?" Red Alert shrieked looking mortified his horns glowing wildly as he fought back a panic attack.

"Wheeljack" Ratchet growled as Prowl keeled off of his seat and to the floor, his battle computer having a spectacular crash and Red alert gave in to his oncoming panic attack.

"My bad" The engineer chuckled nervously as Jazz nuzzled his sparkling's face with his own clearly overjoyed at his daughter's new ability to speak through her silver and blue collar.

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed and faved! Next chapter up sooner or later :)


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R!

(Crack. Patchy, Jazz, Prowl and the ARK crew)

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Wheeljack hadn't been seen since Ratchet had demanded that he help him drag the two crashed bots down to the med-bay.

Smokescreen's betting pool on the reasons ranged from 'hurt pride' to 'Ratchet is storing his body in the cupboard for extra parts'. The latter certainly looked true when Wheeljack finally stumbled into the rec-room looking a little ruffled gathered a cube a of energon and slumped at a table.

"Wheeljack! What are doing out of your cupboard!" Ratchet's voice snarled from the public com. link

"Refuelling" the engineer muttered into his cube before knocking it back like a shot. "I'll be going now"

When the poor engineer stumbled off back to his prison, several credits changed accounts with mutters of annoyance, Smokescreen sat pleased at his table, that giraffe was the whole lovely reason he was turning over some nice profits, thank Primus for Jazz's Unusually Prone to Funny Accidents Syndrome. Or UPFAS if anybody wanted to be technical since Ratchet had been forced to actually add it to the medical history records when Jazz once brought home a cactus and called it Mr. Prickle Jelly Bean: Ace Detective, after he had scrambled his processors when he was in a minor car crash.

Mr Prickle was actually under Swoop's care in the Dinobot quarters, the Pterosaur refusing the plant unless he could shorten the name. Jelly Bean was immediately omitted after Grimlock tried to eat the sharp plant thinking it would taste like the green jelly beans Spike had snuck him once.

Red Alert and Carly were selected to be Patchy's babysitter when the foreign government officials came that afternoon.

Carly was overjoyed, and she had even set up a timetable to take care of the precious little giraffe. Spike merely watched on in horrified curiosity as his wife began knitting a pink bonnet and matching booties clearly big enough for Patchy. "It's going to be so much fun!" the blond had squealed to a rather traumatised Red Alert when she made him a matching blue set just for the heck of it. "See you later this afternoon!"

As soon as the human femme had left Red Alert dived under his consol. Slag Decepticons, their predictable spies and the Twin Terrors, he needed to write down his last will and testament.

_**-That Afternoon-**_

Prowl didn't really greet the foreign ambassadors at the front of the ARK. He sort of growled at them and gave them the Praxian doorwing version of the middle finger. Bluestreak had never looked so scandalised, the humans, afraid they had done something wrong by just walking into the ARK began to apologise profusely, much too all the other non-Praxian mechs in the group's confusion.

Jazz merely ignored the humans and played with one of his illegal blades, balancing the sharp tip on his fingers then tossing it so that he caught the hilt cleanly in his palm. The human who had to sit in front of him shaking in terror every time he heard the Saboteur's blade whistle into the air. The human emitted a squeak of terror when Prowl suddenly moved, his hand a white blur as it snatched the blade out of the air and into his subspace.

The Head of Special Ops pouted slumping into his chair as the human in front of him relaxed somewhat.

"Just hand over the animal" said one of the ambassadors hauntingly "It's old enough to be taught how to look after itself, then we can release it"

The Saboteur bared his denta and slammed a hand down on the conference table, making the human before him screech in fright as the Polyhexian bit back "That, animal, as you put it is my sparkling, _**She**_, Is not going anywhere"

"It is not a robot!" argued another "Is it not enough that you have brought your war here? Now you are stealing out wildlife!"

"Well we do live in an ARK" Ironhide muttered playing with his deactivated cannons.

"Not the point" snarled another human who pointed at Ironhide with a bony finger "And no religious references that aren't your own!"

The red mech narrowed his optics before crossing his arms in a huff "Works when you humans do it" he grumbled to a snickering Ratchet

"Prowl?" Jazz murmured as the human began to lay into Ironhide about his religious reference that was apparently blasphemy. Only for Ironhide to retort that he was an alien robot from Cybertron, he didn't understand a human's religion and second of all he didn't really give a slag.

The Tactician leaned towards his mate as Jazz shuffled a little closer "How do you think Patchy is doing?"

"I'm sure Red Alert has it all under control" Prowl replied scrolling down his data-pad as the meeting eventually settled down again.

_**-Red Alert's Den-**_

"Patchy want mommy" Wailed the Giraffe's collar as Jazz's 'sparkling' paced by the door, occasionally rearing up to plant her front legs on the door and straining her neck to get at the panel on the wall that Red Alert had used to lock her in the camera room. Then the little giraffe went back to pacing.

"Patchy you can't have mummy right now" Carly said "Mummy is busy in a meeting"

"Daddy?" the giraffe asked cocking her head down at the human

"This is surreal, I'm talking to a giraffe" Muttered Carly before giving her best reassuring smile "Daddy is in the meeting too"

"I knew the collar was a bad idea" grumbled Red Alert with a nervous twitch as Patchy began to rear up to look at the bank of monitors

"How does it work anyway?" asked Carly as Red Alert gently pushed Patchy's head away from a camera joystick that she was attempting to manipulate with her tongue.

"I only heard it through the camera's but apparently, Patchy's collar turns our words into what Wheeljack assumes is giraffe language, her collar picks up what we are saying and it supplies her with a translation in her own dialect, when Patchy responds the collar interprets the thought waves and the words come out in English. Hence the annoying little giraffe running around my station" Red Alert finished as he moved Patchy away from a camera joystick again.

"Wow" Carly said as Patchy began to paw at red Alert's chair bleating mournfully

"I want mommy"

"Oh, for Primus' sake" muttered the paranoid security director lifting the little female onto the consol and pointing her neck to look at the security camera feed that was displaying the ongoing conference.

Carly was helped up next as Patchy moved toward the screen, accidently stepping on the loud speaker, communications button "Mama!"

The occupants of the conference room and every other bot in the ARK jolted in surprise at the childish voice coming over the base wide communications link and through the loudspeakers. Carly snickered as she watched Cliffjumper fall off of the sofa in the rec-room in his fright and Bluestreak drop his crate of medical supplies right onto Sideswipe's foot who began hopping around like a demented rabbit.

_**-Conference Room 2-**_

"I stand corrected" Prowl said as he pressed onto another data-pad

"How so" Jazz grinned as his baby proceeded to chatter down the open com. Red Alert and Carly arguing in the background.

"Who in their right mind lets a sparkling play with loud speakers?" Prowl said grumpily "Next thing you know she'll be…"

"Mama? Why is Big Mean Yellow Twin kissing Big Brother?" came Patchy's innocent voice

"She'll be broadcasting secrets to the ARK" Prowl finished as the rest of them sat shocked in their seats. "Wait… did she just say Sunstreaker was kissing Bluestreak?"

"Uh-huh" Jazz frowned oddly, his hands tightening into fists on the table.

"I'm sure someone just pushed him into Sunstreaker" Optimus said quickly as Prowl's doorwings arched high signalling that he was in 'Not Happy And Won't Be Happy Until Something Has Been Maimed' mode.

"I'm sure" The Praxian bit out as even Jazz seemed to glower dangerously

"Ratchet better have med-bay on standby for Sunstreaker after this" Optimus whispered to his CMO

"No kidding" the gleeful looking mech grinned "Can't wait"

"Excuse me?" snapped one of the ambassadors "Can we return to the topic at hand?"

The mechs in the room all straightened coughing guiltily "Ah, yes" Optimus said sheepishly "Please continue"

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A/N: Hope you all enjoyed! And thanks to everybody who has Read, Reviewed and Faved!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R!

(Crack. Patchy, Jazz, Prowl and the ARK crew! Enjoy!)

* * *

"Sunny, do you really think we should be doing this here?" the grey gunner asked as the gold half of the Troublesome Twins cornered him against a wall.

"No-body is going to bother us" protested Sunstreaker placing his hands against the wall on either side of Bluestreak's helm "And Sides was doing the inventory until he hopped down to the med-bay"

"Inventory which we were supposed to be helping him with" Bluestreak protested poking his suitor in the chest plates

"You dropped a crate on his pede" reminded Sunstreaker casually leaning forward "A bit jumpy weren't we?"

"I think you would be concerned and surprised too if you had your little sister, barely able to talk, squealing down the tannoy for her mummy who is in a meeting at this very moment" the sniper retorted as the gold twin invaded his personal space

"Ah, she'll be fine." The front-liner dismissed "Patchy's with Red Alert. He's the most paranoid mech in the universe"

The gunner looked anxious before finally giving in "Ah, fine" and he lunged forward locking lip-plates with his suitor, Sunstreaker moving forward to caress Bluestreaks doorwings.

"Mama? Why is Big Mean Yellow Twin kissing Big Brother?" came a soft innocent voice from across the tannoy system

Both lovers shot apart in fright "Slag!" Sunstreaker cursed as he spotted the security camera pointing at them "I'm doomed!"

"You're doomed?" Bluestreak cried in mortification as Patchy proceeded to babble "How the frag do I tell Prowl and Jazz you haven't even courted me properly?"

_**-Conference Room 2-**_

Prowl flared his doorwings in agitation at the prospect of one of the banes of his existence kissing his youngling muttering with a growl to his bondmate, who looked just as ticked off "The slagger better have courted him properly"

"Language Prowl" Optimus said receiving a glare from his SIC that made the commander of the Autobots wince

"Shut up Prime and talk to the human" Prowl indicated the frustrated man that was holding his hand up like a child would in class waiting to answer a question.

"As I was saying" said the ambassador with a scowl "We can do this in stages. Start weaning the giraffe from you all and start putting her with her own kind so she won't approach a lion and think it's friendly"

"She doesn't like lions anyway" said Blaster with a snicker before explaining the incident that caused the rec-room's nice hole in its wall.

"Well this is about rehabilitation for the animal." Said another human pushing his glasses up his crooked nose "She will eventually sever maternal ties with whoever she imprinted on. As you're your TIC sever his maternal bond with… Patchy… as well, given time"

"That is actually not true" Ratchet piped up "Carriers and sires often still have a vague sense of a maternal bond and protectiveness with their offspring, as exhibited by specimens A and B over there who have just learned of their 'youngling's' secret lover/suitor. Who hasn't come to them for consent for him to court Bluestreak"

"Can I be specimen A?" asked Jazz eagerly only for Prowl to snort at his bondmate, clearly still in a bad mood.

"No, I rank higher than you, ergo I am Specimen A"

"Going off Topic" sing-songed the human at the head of the table

"Sorry" the bots chorused

"Don't be sorry, be quiet!" snapped the man again as he was about to launch into another tirade

"We're sorry!" the bots snapped back making the ambassador jump as they all became quiet.

As if to tempt fate, the alarms went off.

"Oh for Primus' sake!" cried Optimus launching from his seat and storming out of the door.

Prowl and the others exchanged looks of bewilderment before following their commander, leaving the ambassadors stranded on the Cybertronian sized conference table.

"Go away!" Optimus was heard shouting from the ARK's blast door entrance as the officers and soldiers filed up behind him. "I'm in the middle of a fragging meeting!"

"Come out here and fight Prime!" Megatron hollered back as he came within hearing range of the annoyed Prime

"Don't make me use the Matrix on you!" Optimus threatened from the entrance, blocking it with his massive frame.

"I demand a fight!" Megatron snapped stamping a pede like a stroppy child

"Well I don't want one today, so go pick a fight with somebody else! Preferably the kind that involves only Starscream getting blown into scrap so I don't have to hand your aft to you later for destroying human property!" Optimus shouted back with a glare, punching a control pad with a blue finger that began to reel the ARK's entrance closed

Megatron stared at the now closed doors of the ARK in shocked bewilderment

"What just happened?" asked Starscream in confusion

"Decepticons retreat?" Megatron almost asked his own troops that looked a little put out at having trekked over to the ARK for nothing but a telling off from the Matrix barer.

"And bot's wonder why we are losing this war" Starscream sneered

"Shut up Starscream" the grey Decepticon lord snarled levelling his fusion cannon at the jumped up jet.

_**-ARK Corridors-**_

"Prime I will not be returning to the meeting" Prowl said handing Jazz a data-pad as they reached the Conference room again, almost all of the ARK giving the Prime a wide berth "I have business to take care of"

"Alright Prowl" Optimus said inclining his helm "Jazz will bring you up to date after the meeting"

"Thank you sir" the tactician said walking off down the corridor

Bluestreak saw his sire coming. The unfortunate thing was that Sunstreaker didn't, at least, not until the black and white Datsun was right behind him looming over the rec-room couch back like a hungry snake stares down at a petrified mouse.

The frontline warrior saw Bluestreak's terrified look and slowly turned

"So when were you going to tell me you were courting my Youngling?" Prowl hissed, blue optics narrowed to thin slits

"I'm not a youngling anymore" Bluestreak interjected with a pout

"I was planning to tell you later?" Sunstreaker asked nervously as Sideswipe shuffled away from him across to the other side of the couch.

"Come with me" Prowl demanded sharply

"No, I'm fine here" Sunstreaker said as Bluestreak shook his helm wildly

"I said 'come with me'" Prowl snarled gripping the gold twin by the scruff bar and hauling him from the seat "you and I are going to have a little chat in my office"

"Hey!" Sunstreaker cried as Patchy trotted into the room, Carly chasing after her "this is all your fault Patchy!"

The little Giraffe merely watched as the 'Big Mean Yellow Twin' was carted off down the corridor in her daddy's grasp then gave a soft snort... Almost like a laugh.

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed and faved this story! I am glad you are all enjoying this!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers!

Please R&R!

(Crack. Patchy, Jazz, a furious Prowl and the rest of the ARK crew. Enjoy!)

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Patchy was looking pleased with herself. Which set some bots off on a paranoid streak, the giraffe's 'big brother' was currently fretting over where Sunstreaker was, the poor front liner having been dragged off nearly three hours ago to have a 'chat' about Praxian courting rituals and to generally get chewed out for not telling Prowl or Jazz of his intentions towards Bluestreak first.

"'Big Brother!" Patchy cried standing before her 'sibling', her tail swishing happily and her ears pricking forward looking generally glad to see him

Blustreak, who could never hold a grudge for long; especially towards a cute looking Patchy, leaned forward and petted her on the horns "Hiya Patchy, you wanting mummy?"

"Mummy not here" Patchy's collar said sounding a little put out at the observation, the giraffe's ears swivelling and then giving them an odd little flap. "Play?"

Blustreak weighed his options just as Carly finally caught up with the wayward baby, her hands gloved to protect her from the thorns of an energon pink acacia branch she was trailing behind her. "Sorry Bluestreak, she just won't stay still"

"This is usual for this time of day" the sniper grinned back making Patchy coo at him when he gently rubbed the spot in-between her horns. "Jazz normally takes her out for a run or the mini-bots have a game of Keep Away or Goalie with her"

"I call Goalie!" Cliffjumper piped up from the table of mini-bots that were off-duty "She's not getting one past me this time" the headstrong bot declared to his friends

"You said that the last hundred times we've played" Bluestreak said tilting his helm as he patted Patchy on the back as Carly watch from the sidelines "She has gotten the ball past you at least 90 times out of that one hundred"

"Face it 'Jumper" Bee said with a smile as the little giraffe wandered over and had a nibble at his helm horns "Patchy is one great striker and you aren't exactly a world class goalie either."

"Freakish slagging giraffe" Cliffjumper muttered into his afternoon cube of energon

"No swearing in front of the baby" Mirage said spookily from somewhere near the energon dispenser making everyone immediately go for their guns "Or Jazz will have you roasted on a spit if he ever found out you were teaching his 'baby' Cybertronian curses"

"Stop going around invisible Mirage! It scares the pit out of everyone when you do that! " Blustreak complained as Sideswipe re-entered the room from evesdropping on Prowl's office door and flopped onto the sofa beside the sniper.

"A mech's got to have their fun" Mirage said as a floating cube of energon was whisked out of the door.

"What are the chances of my twin coming back in one piece?" Sideswipe asked Smokescreen who was sitting with Grapple and Hoist playing a game of cards.

"50-50 at the moment" replied the gambling Parxian shoving a few of his chips to the centre of the table "I take your queen of diamonds and raise you a king of hearts"

"Frag it" cursed Hoist as he took another card from the pile and slotted it into his already bad hand of cards then discarding another.

"You wanting in?" asked Smokescreen giving them a sideways glance from under his chevron "I'm afraid it's a small betting pool, most of the big competitors are in the meeting and Bumblebee and his mini-bot posse are tight afts who refuse to bet more than five credits a piece"

"I'm not a tight aft!" the yellow bot protested as Bluestreak sighed and covered Patchy's ears, mentally blaming everybot here for the foul language that the giraffe was bound to pick up.

"Carly can you take Patchy somewhere where there are bots that don't swear?" the grey Praxian asked giving his 'little sister' a gentle shove in the right direction.

"Sure Blue" Carly smiled waving the branch back and forth luring the now interested giraffe out of the door, Patchy's tongue reaching for the branch enthusiastically as Carly took off running. The small giraffe let out a soft bleat of joy as she trotted speedily after the blond haired woman.

Smokescreen grinned as he won the round, raking the chips towards him as Hoist and Grapple scowled at the gambler. "You want in as well Blue? He's your suitor"

The younger grey Praxian stuck his glossa out at his uncle "You could've warned me that father was coming."

"My brother is a traditionalist when it comes to courting, same as me" the yellow chevroned mech smiled tossing down a card and nudging a few chips into the centre of the table "If he didn't talk to Sunstreaker I would have, might do it anyway just to scare the frag out of him"

"Don't you dare or I'll set Jazz on you" Bluestreak warned "I'll have to convince him that it is fine just to be in the same room as me after this."

"Oh please don't set the UPFAS prone daddy in my direction, I might catch it!" The gambler cried dramatically re-arranging his cards, gathering a few snickers from the mini-bot table "Better start composing that speech for Sunstreaker, Prowl's just let him out of his office."

"How'd you know?" Sideswipe asked curiously "I thought only twin's had a bond like me and Sunny do"

"It's a toned down version" the yellow chevroned mech explained "I only get vague feelings nowadays, but right now my dear elder brother is thoroughly pleased."

As if on cue the gold twin stumbled into the rec-room and slumped into the couch beside Bluestreak. "So… how'd it go?" the grey Praxian smiled shyly

"We should just put Megatron in an office with Prowl; we'd win the war in seconds." Sunstreaker muttered with a paranoid glance around the room

"Yeah he is scary isn't he?" Bluestreak smiled softly, giving his uncle a glare as the blue, white and yellow Praxian snickered behind his hand of cards. "What'd he say?"

"If I ever cheat on you, he said he will do things that I'm not even sure are possible with a scalpel" Sunstreaker said with a shudder "And he will make sure that my polish and stuff go permanently missing"

"Ouch" Bluestreak winced patting the gold twin on the arm "At least you know how to court a Praxian now. He can't bother you about it anymore"

"It's all Patchy's fault" muttered the front-liner grumpily crossing his arms as his brother tackled him gleefully

"Sunny! You aren't dead!" Sideswipe cried knocking them both over the back of the couch in a tangle of flailing limbs.

"No, but you will be if you don't get off of me you slagger!" snarled Sunstreaker shoving his twin off of him "You're scratching my paint!"

"Slagger!" cooed a soft voice happily making the whole room look up in horror, the twins pausing mid-fight.

There, standing at the entrance to the rec-room was Patchy, overshadowed by a thunderous looking Prowl.

"TWINS!"

_**-Conference Room 2-**_

Everyone in Conference Room jumped at the bellow of fury coming from two floors below them, Optimus pausing mid sentence as he worked on the document of agreement. Jazz looked fairly pleased, puffed up proudly like a peacock.

"Are we all in agreement then?" the barer or the Matrix asked the table

"Yes" everyone nodded in return, even the frustrating ambassadors.

"Good, it's final then…" Optimus rumbled as he signed the data-pad "Patchy stays"

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A/N: I was tempted to put Patchy back in Africa but I decided I really didn't want to upset the humour of the story. This is the second last chapter. Final chapter will be up in a few days :) Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed and faved this story. I am so glad you have enjoyed this.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers! Except for Patchy (kept forgetting to do that...)

Please R&R

(The last chapter! Crack. Starring Patchy, Jazz, Prowl and the ARK and Nemisis Crews. enjoy!)

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_**-A few years later-**_

How to take care of a temperamental Giraffe teenager: The Rules

Written by Optimus Prime

**One: **

**Under no circumstances is Cliffjumper or any other member of the ARK (or Nemesis crew) ever allowed to suggest that it is about time Patchy found a boyfriend. Prowl and Jazz only got over Bluestreak settling down with Sunstreaker a week ago.**

_#ARK Tannoy System#_

_Ding, Ding, Crash! _

"_Hey! That's my Xylophone!"_

"_I don't care Bluestreak; it's on the contraband list!" _

"_But Red Alert…!" _

"_Bluestreak just do the morning announcements so you can get out of my Security room"_

"_Fine…This is your daily morning announcement! Hosted today by Bluestreak! _

_The weather outside is a little chilly today with a spot of rain coming this afternoon. Patchy will be coming around with the mail later today with Brawn as there is a parcel for Ironhide that would crush her if we tried to tie it to her back, the mail saddle bag carrying letters should still be on time _

_. We have a shout out from Ratchet today saying: We are still finding bits of Cliffjumper. If anybody has seen his left optic and right hand please drop it off in the 'lost and found' box in Ratchet's medbay. As funny as it is watching Cliffjumper try to be a pirate we still have most of Thundercracker to find and post back to the Nemesis (Megatron needs him for his next diabolical plan). _

_We will be sending Thundercracker back by Second Class post of course as Optimus refuses to use his collection of First Class stamps for so many different bits of one transformer and Megatron refuses to pay for First Class stamps because he is a cheap skate. _

_Oh and as an after note Jazz and Prowl are getting out of the brig today, after serving the weekend in the brig for literally tearing Cliffjumper into his separate parts for his suggestion of Patchy getting a boyfriend. Thundercracker doesn't count as we are technically at war. Thank you for your time!" _

"_Good now get out of my Security room!"_

_-In the Rec-room—_

"_Uhh… it's Monday… Bluestreak always does the morning announcements on a Monday" Groaned Sideswipe, his faceplate still buried into the table trying to get rid of his hangover. He shifted slightly in annoyance on his chair "What the frag am I sitting on?" he grumbled reaching under him to pull out a blue orb. "Hey Cliffjumper! I found your optic!" _

**Two: **

**Jazz has gotten over the worst of his Maternal Programming, however: this does not mean it is safe for any human to ask if they can have a 'ride' on Patchy (we only ****just**** got him to agree to let Patchy be the ARK mail courier) **

"_I beg your pardon?" snarled Jazz at the adult human._

"_I asked how much it was to ride the giraffe" the man asked his little girl bouncing on her feet excitedly, gazing up at Patchy who was nibbling on a Acacia branch that Jazz had brought along to the fair for her to enjoy. _

"_Patchy, does not get ridden" Jazz bit out with a growl, his adoptive daughter nuzzling his plating was the only thing stopping him from stomping on the male human._

"_Mama? What's a ride?" Patchy's collar lighting up a neon blue as she spoke_

"_My god!" the human screamed backing away with his daughter "It talks! May the Lord have mercy on my soul for witnessing such a demonic creature!" the man cried making a furious cross movement across his body as he dragged his upset child away. _

_Jazz tilted his helm casually and patted his baby on her horns, the pleased Patchy flicking her ears with a coo "Life lesson for ya Patch, ma girl, there are a lot of weird people in this crazy universe." _

**Three: **

**If you play a prank, make sure Patchy is not anywhere in the vicinity. She has somehow developed a toned down version of Jazz's UPFAS. (No cure has yet been found for either case, though with Jazz, he says Prowl takes care of it for him. By order of the Prime is nobody allowed to ever ask how Prowl takes care of it, Prime did and just finished a mental image wipe and a memory block session with Ratchet) **

"_I didn't know it would turn her purple and black! Honest! Anyway I was aiming for Ratchet!" Sideswipe cried as the teenage giraffe that was now sporting her colourful new paint job trotted into the Halloween party. _

"_I quite like it actually" Jazz said examining the splotches of black paint over the purple back ground _

"_I don't" Prowl muttered sipping an energon cube giving Sideswipe a glare "You. Brig." _

_Jazz grinned and patted his bondmate on the shoulder as Sideswipe dejectedly made his way out of the rec-roo, but not before swiping a cube full of High grade"We've got to work through this irrational hatred of purple Prowl, it's not healthy" _

"_Actually it works leaps and bounds when we are battling the Decepticons" Optimus pointed out as Patchy went to get a drink from her water bottle on the other side of the rec-room. _

"_Stop encouraging him Optimus" Jazz chided as his baby trotted back up to him "Come on Patchy let's get you cleaned up so I can get your real outfit on!" _

**Four: **

**According to the official Document that allows the Autobot's custody of Patchy, we have to take her to Africa for two weeks every year so that she may know her homeland. Every year the whole ARK migrates for a holiday, somebody usually needs to drop the Decepticons a memo. **

"_Where the frag are they?" Megatron howled slamming his fist on the ARK's blast doors "Prime! Get out here now!" _

_Starscream, currently playing cards with Skywarp, looked up in annoyance "Isn't it this time of year when they need to take the…." _

_A newly repaired Thundercracker lunged forward and covered Starscream's mouth with his servos "Shh… Soundwave is still glitchy about that subject!" he hissed as the tape-deck wandered by _

"_Alright" the Air Commander snapped "When they need to take the long necked bundle of trouble to Africa?" _

"_Nah they usually send us a memo" Frenzy said waving off the suggestion as he turned back to his game of Go Fish. _

_-13 days later—_

_Optimus rolled up to the ARK feeling relaxed and refreshed, the rest of his troops also feeling joyfully happy. Even Prowl seemed a little bouncier on his tyres. As he unloaded a pleased looking Patchy from his trailer he suddenly spotted Megatron standing in front of the blast doors his arms crossed a displeased scowl on his faceplate _

"_Next time remember to send a memo!" the Decepticon lord snarled and stomped off moodily. _

**Five:**

**When confronted with something she doesn't like or when she wants fed, Patchy will kick. **

_Examples include communication room wall, and various ankle joints. _

_

* * *

_

_**-ARK Corridor-**_

Mirage sighed as he finally headed towards the quarters he shared with Hound. Jazz had been particularly punishing today when sparring with the noble, before the head of special ops had taken Patchy out to play a game of football in her recently upgraded Adult armour. Now he just wanted to roll into his berth and re-charge. Hound was on shift that night.

His quarters were dark when he entered and he found he didn't mind as he flopped onto the berth in the most un-noble like fashion.

A sudden snort had him bolting upright

"Lights on!"

The room flooded with the artificial lighting.

It was a Hippopotamus

A _**baby **_Hippopotamus

And it was staring at him.

"HOUND!"

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A/N: I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it! Thank you everyone who had read, reviewed and faved! you are all fantastic!


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